My Family And Other Animals Part 3

Maslow’s Fall Without Grace

Much of one Friday recently was spent at the Vets with Maslow the cat. This is because, not only is Maslow crap at catching mice but he is also somewhat deficient in the "climbing" and "landing" areas of his cat repertoire. This has led us to question whether or not he is indeed a pure blood pedigree Norwegian Forest cat as previously assumed. You would think that climbing and landing would be second nature to such a breed.......

On Thursday night, as usual, I returned from London and was sorting my mail on the dining room table. Maslow's sociability and curiosity got the better of him.....it'll be the death of him, I fear. Maslow decided he would assist in the mail sorting and promptly "attempted" to leap onto the table. I am not sure whether he was still tired (I had of course woken him from a deep slumber), or, if he slipped on takeoff on the laminate flooring (which is very tasteful, genuine, look-a-like oak, Cheshire-quality laminate I hasten to add), or, if he had "probably had a seizure", which was my mom's rather non-optimistic suggestion (based upon the fact that our 21 year old family pet, Tom Jones the cat - I know, I know - suffered a stroke at the end of his 9 lives).

Whatever. I caught the moment Maslow leapt for the table in the corner of my eye. Time slowed down and Maslow appeared to move Matrix-like, in slow motion. There was a sudden realisation that he had not made it. Maslow's eyes sought mine with a look of incredulity, tinged with embarrassment, mixed with fear and confusion. To give him his due, he did his very best to rectify the situation as evidenced by the deep gouges and one claw that he left behind in the table top. My initial thought was that my wife had trained him to do this - she has been making noises about new dining room furniture for some time now.......But then he fell backwards.

Unlike the mythical felines of old, poor Maslow did not twist miraculously in the air and land on his feet. No, more like a piece of dropped toast, he fell buttered side down. He fell right on his arse. It obviously hurt him as he proceeded to speed around the house like a whirling dervish, beginning with an instance of comedy running on the spot as he sought and failed to gain purchase on said laminate before hurtling upstairs. I was worried about him so sought to catch up with him to check he was OK. But poor Maslow was merely seeking to run away from the pain - the actual pain in his arse, and, that other pain in the arse which was me trying to chase him. He hid in C's study under the chair; he hid under our bed; he hid under the bed in the spare room. Eventually he ran outside, where he got into a fight with the Beast of Bradwall, the horrible moggy called Henry that belongs to one of neighbours. He came back inside and he hid behind the sofa.

Maslow did not come out from behind the sofa until I had gone to bed and C was able to coax him out with food. C checked him over and came to bed quite distraught. Maslow's beautiful fluffy tail with which he signals pleasure and displeasure was doing a very good impression of a feather boa and a very poor impression of a tail. It was hanging limp and lifeless behind him. We feared it was broken and a fairly sleepless night ensued as we envisioned amputation or worse. Maslow did not greet me at the lounge door as usual when we got up. He stayed behind the sofa. I called the Vet and was there within minutes of opening.

Maslow came home on Friday afternoon after he had recovered from (yet another) general anaesthetic. X-rays revealed (thankfully) no breakage or dislocation of his tail or nether regions. A thorough investigation found no evidence of puncture wounds or infection. "Thorough investigation" unfortunately involved him being shaved around the base of his tail. Maslow looked not unlike a baboon. The verdict was that Maslow was suffering from a very badly bruised and swollen bum. He was also suffering from cabin fever (he had to be locked in all weekend until he recovered from the anaesthetic), sleeping sickness (a consequence of the course of pain killers), and, a real lack of cool - the shaved-arse baboon look is not the best............Unfortunately, Maslow has been left with a kink in his otherwise perfect, fluffy tail.